Tethered

He doesn't let me hold him much anymore. He reaches for Daddy. Even when he's hurt. Even in the middle of the night, he'll scream louder if I'm the one that comes in. My older sisters (seasoned mothers) tell me it's normal. Unfair and normal. To see Daddy is special, to see Mommy is expected.  I decided to go off my anti-depressants around the same time I stopped nursing him. What a decision; absolute and willful destitution of dopamine.  It's been since then that the slow ache of the world seems to coincide with the ache for the bond with my baby.  It's like my entire chest feels like a negative charge- repelling everything around me with a pressure that seems magnetic and inevitable in its power.   Lately, I've been sneaking into his room just 5 or 10 minutes before he needs to wake from his nap. I pick his ever-growing body up like he's a newborn and hold him to me. Still sleeping, he lets me. I bury my face in his thin, wispy blonde hair. I hold ...

I love my hometown.  The good parts, anyway.   Like how for a few weeks in early spring, the brown hills turn vibrant with color. Absolutely magical. Or how it sometimes feels like an intimate small town and sometimes a huge, sprawling city.  Like how my brother is still there, and his presence alone makes it a better place.  I used to think, "Everyone should stay." Why leave such a nice place?  But one day I packed my car, brimming with life's treasures, and left.  It was isolating and terrifying to leave something I loved so much. But I knew leaving was the right choice for me. Good thing, too. I had so many beautiful things waiting for me miles and miles away.  I used to think, "Everyone should leave." See what's out there.  But I had a lot of friends who stayed. They found education, careers, love, happiness, and purpose there. I love seeing them planting deep roots where we used to walk. I would never say their life is more or less fulfi...

When I was younger  there was a boy he was worthy  and kind one day, "unexpected" God told him not to love me he listened  and so did i now, years later sometimes I wake up wondering if I proved Him right  ______________________________ My brain wasn't fully developed did you know that happens at 25 7 years shy for me 2 for him when he said goodbye the part of my brain that didn't exist yet moved on quietly it didn't scream it didn't drive to his house in the middle of the night it didn't put angry scars on her arms, (for attention, they told me) it didn't get mad at God for the unanswered prayers it just  moved on quietly and she was so attractive for it ______________________________________ When we think of him we smile God and me  we loved him  and he was told to love us  but sometimes love is not acceptance  sometime love  isn't enough I worry when he thinks of us God and me he doesn't smile  not really would we have really lov...

"Savor every moment, Your babies won’t keep" Waking up to the sound Of little running feet Over worked and stimulated Even as the day begins Pouring bowls of guilt Touched out and shut in Everything I ever wanted Feeling haunted Feeling down So lucky for each day of this I’m pretty sure I’ll drown Swear my body and my mind Can’t take any more Then dreaming up potential names Of baby number four Chase around the kitchen Racing cars on the floor Dancing to the theme songs I swear I love you more Crying in the shower Losing power Losing time Their perfect little faces Look like his and look like mine Kiss his face as he dreams His nose, his chin, his lips Knowing nothing in the world Is better than he is I think I might be useless Feeling clueless Feeling mean Sorry mommy yelled again At least the house is clean It’s only been 3 years of this 50 more to go Rage and guilt and boredom Failing if it shows I give them all my time And my life And a show Not sure if I'm good at th...

You're there and you look GREAT. And yes, you helped (during the fun part) create these beautiful little goblins now in coordinating colors and hair that will last 0.5 seconds. But you would rather be literally anywhere else than some field in the middle of nowhere wrangling your children to smile. I get it.  But my brother in Christ! This is not about you. And let me let you in on a secret: you have an opportunity to be the sexiest you've ever been to your wife. And it won't be because of whatever button-down she laid out for you. It is by simply: ~ not being a butthead ~  during these pictures.  Listen, your wife sees pictures of other people's families all the time on social media. She sees them and she double taps, but she knows.... her family is cuter. She wants to PLASTER the walls of your home and the feed of her social media with these little angel baby faces. Not for vanity's sake, but because time is slipping away from her and she wants her family captured...

I'm in my kitchen with my back turned to them. I don't know what they're doing, but their little voices sound slightly muffled. O is giggling softly (as he often does), and F is squealing loudly (as he often does). They are perfect.  AND 18 hours ago I was in that same room when that all-too-familiar feeling of an elephant sitting on my chest and my lungs being too big for my body gripped me. Motherhood be like that sometimes.  It's crazy being responsible for other lives. They're like little soft-headed blobs that toddle around climbing on stuff and eating whatever you leave on the ground. And you're 100% accountable for their development, health, safety, and happiness.  When O was a baby, he was lactose intolerant. He was a constant spitter and because it didn't worry our pediatrician, it didn't worry me. It wasn't until he turned one and started projectile vomiting every time he had dairy that we realized the real issue. And I was just hit with th...