Tethered

I'm watching my children play, sipping my coffee - yes, coffee, light is pouring into our living room and snow is quietly falling outside. I'm a little nervous...

But on the surface, I feel calm and ready to drop bombs.

Had to. ;)

Now is as good a time as any, I decided literally 10 minutes ago, to word vomit my thoughts in a potentially more public space. The past year or so has been a whirlwind, and having a baby in the middle of it made me put so many decisions on the backburner. I'm just now having the time and mental clarity to face them. 

My husband and I have decided to step away from the religion we have lived and loved our entire lives. The purpose of me writing this isn't to get into the specific reasons - there are a lot. It's emotional, polarizing, and honestly doesn't make me feel great to talk about. And you, dear reader, probably could give a shit. Maybe another time. 

The decision to leave already happened, and now I'm more focused on the implications of leaving. Those little consequences are starting to rear their heads and I knew it would happen. So this is me doing something I love and that fulfills me - writing - to try and process this new life and hopefully, maybe, help someone else along the way. 

When we first started "investigating" our issues with the LDS Church, I tearfully confided in my sister:

"It feels like I'm in space, like in the movies, on a spacewalk. And I've just taken a giant pair of space scissors and cut my tether. And now I'm just free-floating." 

I have felt untethered for several months now. I've felt emptiness and fear amidst the excitement and curiosity of going somewhere in my life that I never have before. I've both welcomed the uncertainty and despised it. I've missed my conviction, my surety, my security, my tether- more than words can express. 

Lately, I've recognized this in me and have tried to set the appropriate goals to feel tethered again. 

Pause: All of my beautiful friends and family are probably feeling some feelings right now reading this. I don't sound happy- and in fact, probably sound pretty dumb for willingly cutting my tether - my connection to the Church. "The light is gone, Jenna! No wonder you're feeling lost! Turn to Christ and get back on the path, dummy!" 

Let me lovingly assure you there is no dimness in any eyes here. There is love and light as there always has been. There is Christ at the center of my life, as He always has been. Tanner, myself, and my beautiful perfect boys are happy forging this new path and doing the best we can. Please don't look at us (or anyone who has made similar decisions about faith) as lost, dimmed, or less than. I'm just working through some very normal kinks in changing a fundamental part of my lifelong identity. Can you imagine? Give me grace and space to do so. And reach out if you're still worried and I am honestly happy to discuss in real-time. I love you, too. 

Resume: This isn't about my faith, really. This is about actively choosing to do something, anything, all the things, that help me regain a sense of being tethered. Grounded. Found. Writing is something I've loved my whole life. I've always wanted to be a writer, a journalist, a blogger, whatever could get me pouring my soul out using words. Maybe in a different life, I would've been main-charactering in a big city somewhere, writing for a column, straight *hustling*, and totally kicking ass in business "caszh." A real Kate Hudson / Anne Hathaway in a Rom-Com vibe, ya know?

But the truth is I never did any of that because I have some very real fear of failure, being wrong, and sounding stupid. (And let's be real, I wanted desperately to have all the babies and be a SAHM kicking ass but like, in a mu-mu)

I digress. Writing makes me feel tethered. 

To what? Myself. God. Life. 

I am going to write about things that make me feel tethered. Or write about things that make me feel not so tethered and hope in doing so I can work out a solution. But at least I'm doing it! 

It's either this or podcasting and I even hate the sound of my voicemails soooo ;) 








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