Other One Another

 On the very first day of my LDS mission, my trainer thought it would be splendid to go tracting. Which is the classic door-to-door confrontation/sales pitch of religion that is so classicly associated with Mormonism and also largely done away within missions. But nevertheless, for some reason, we did it. 

So there I was, knowing I had what most people consider a full workday worth of knocking on doors, in a new place, amongst strangers, getting yelled at and doors slammed in my face. Oh, what fun. 

After several hours it was time to break for dinner. We always had dinner with members of the ward in which we served. Knocking on yet another door, I braced myself for the discomfort of again being amongst strangers. 

But that feeling never came. I walked into a familiar-feeling home. Pictures and decor my own mother had hung and more importantly, they knew exactly who I was and what I was doing. Though I had never met this family, they didn't feel like strangers. I felt so much at home in their home, it being such a stark contrast to the homes in which I had just spent the day. I still remember when the prayer was being said over the pancake dinner, tearing up in gratitude for finally feeling comfortable; no longer a stranger, and returned to my familiar lovely little Mormon box. 

Community is so very important. In the hierarchy of needs, "belonging" is literally right behind not feeling like you're going to be killed in your sleep. 

Lately, I've felt a loss of community. One in which, if I was anywhere in the world, I could walk into a building and feel at home in the commonality of belief.  I'm untethered. Unboxed. Like a vulnerable, cute little hermit crab with no shell. Ok, you get it. 

But we definitely learn to put people in boxes, don't we?  We slap these labels on them in a veiled attempt to understand them but without really trying to empathize or get to know them.  We just want to sort people in our brains within the parameters of what we already know about the label we're giving. I see it in my own family member's eyes as they try to sort me and brace for the impact of what they think my box has become. I'm definitely guilty of it. 

SLAP! goes this metaphorical label on someone's box: "Member." SLAP! "Non-member." SLAP! "Christian" SLAP! "Ex-Mormon." SLAP! "Atheist." We're taught this from the time we're little in the church. Even words like "Bishop", "President", "ONE true church".... "Liberal", "Millennial."  Those words mean something to us. Do we realize they give us a reason to sort people like that ratchet Harry Potter hat? Your entire essence just boiled down to a few words. You're this or you're that. You're in the black or the white. The expectations and presumptions vary accordingly. Gryffindors don't really hang out with Slytherins. Whether you realize it or not, we do this. It's been done to you. 

I'm seeing a lot of boxes with people I love in them and I want to belong but I'm just not seeing one for me. The Mormon box doesn't fit, the Ex-Mormon box doesn't fit. Where is my box?

Is there a box that still mostly looks and acts Mormon and still participates in the culture because it's the only culture I know but like, hold the shitty parts? It's not very angry, passionate, or loud about leaving (though those boxes are valid spaces!) It still flinches at harsh church criticism and, sometimes, the F word. It drinks coffee while it reads a general conference talk a friend just posted. There's a rainbow flag and a real "I'll walk with you" vibe and a Glennon Doyle book next to a picture of Christ in the entryway. It's a feminist box, but a stay-at-home mom kind of feminist. We hate on living in the "Utah bubble" as we sip our Stanley's full of Diet Coke.  It is both terrified and empowered to live (and raise children) without the church. Taylor Swift plays faintly in the background always. 

What a sick-ass box! 

But should I want to put myself or anyone else in a box just to feel some weird level of comfort and control? Absolutely not. I'm a person. There is black and white but mostly, there is grey here. 

I'm unlearning the boxing of myself and others. 

I didn't know how much of an "Us vs Them" mentality I had until I was a "Them." I won't put you in a box if you don't put me in one. Maybe I'm assigning a tendency to an entire culture when really it was just me doing it.  Who knows? This is an introspective piece, for sure. 

I wanted to be tethered to a community but I think I'm realizing there's some freedom in the not-so-tethered-ness. I need to pour out my people from their boxes into an ocean of nuanced, complicated humans and try to find commonality and love with them all as we all just flow together in our weird little sea. 

Because I know for sure Christ did not say "Other one another."