Fun and Freeing

 A friend recently posted his thoughts on people who have left the church. 

"Hedonism" - he called it. 

the pursuit of pleasure; sensual self-indulgence.

Oof. He's a bold fella, and I can respect that. For the record, I messaged him some of the thoughts I'll write now. Our conversation was respectful and ended lovingly in a "agree to disagree" kind of way. "I'll always invite you to come back," he said and I just sent hearts because for me to send the equivalent discomfort-causing-but-masked-with-loads-of-good-intentions vibe of his message would be distasteful. "I'll always invite you to leave"?  I would never. 

But I digress. 

In any kind of high-demand religion, it's easy to see when people leave.  More beverage choices, more clothing choices, more free time? And that is all you see. So while I fiercely resent being thought of as a Hedonist, I understand why it appears that way. On the outside, it looks "fun and freeing" as I've recently heard my life be called. 

Do you believe me when I say I get it? Because I do! I was right there with ya just over a year ago. I was on a mission teaching it 7 years ago. And I remember the feeling of being so intensely frustrated by people who seemed to reject what I was calling truth because it was not theirs. There is one possible option for truth whether it's comfortable and fun or not. I still believe that. I used to look at literally every apostate as feeding into the pleasures of "the world." So yes, I understand it AND reject it. 

While on the outside it may look a certain way, you are only getting one view. ( and yes, dear reader, that is you judging an entire life based on a beverage choice or how many inches of their woefully untanned thighs you can now see). You're assuming my innermost precious faith-based feelings and then judging me for whatever you've deemed them to be.  I don't know how else to say this: You do not get to do that. It is not cool. Stop it.

You did not see the full year I spent crying, praying, and studying. You were not there for the conversations between my husband and me trying to make sense of things. You did not see us reaching out to bishops, religion professors, family or friends to answer our questions. You did not see us break our mother's hearts. Please don't tell me it's fun. 

I'll admit some aspects have been freeing in an "I get to decide what I think about this thing now"

BUT IT IS NOT FUN.

It is scary and sad. It is isolating. It is painful. It causes people to start blogs to rage-type their feelings into the meta-verse instead of going to therapy. lol. 

Look here's the nitty gritty: 

1) We need to open the lines of communication. If you're really, truly open to knowing how a friend is doing or why they made a decision, ask them. It's scary, I know. I remember thinking that a loved one who left had concluded that I was stupid for staying, so I didn't care to ask him about his experience. I think I could have saved him literal years of pain and loneliness with one simple question. I can't bring it up to you, or I would look combative and you would get defensive, but I wait for you to ask. You can't ask because you think I think you're dumb, you think I'll be disrespectful of things you hold sacred, but you wait for me to bring it up. And all sorts of other assumption-based reasons. Let's just stop all that with people we love and have empathetic, kind, conversations. 

2) Stop holding people to your standards. You wear garments because they hold sacred and powerful meaning to you. They no longer do to me, so I do not wear them. And that's ok. You believe a prophet of God told/continues to tell you not to drink coffee. Go on with your diet coke and get me one. But I don't believe that anymore and that's ok. You go to church, and I go to the grocery store. It's ok. It's not about being free and having fun it's more like I no longer assign morality to those things so why wouldn't I drink coffee, skip church, and show my shoulders? You can't expect me to any more than I can expect you not to.  Because we believe different things. It is ok. 

3) I just want to hit home that almost nobody leaves to have fun because again, it is not. It is not self-indulgent, it's self-trusting. It is not thoughtless, Godless, or pleasure-seeking. It is incredibly intentional, faithful, and requires a lot of perseverance. 

I keep going back to love. I'm trying to live authentically in a loving and respectful way to my believing friends and family. And I just really appreciate it when that is returned to me and my family. 

*dismounting of soap box and scene!*